Distinguishing Between Soul and Spirit Shame: Help for Each

This is a repost from another blog of mine where I discuss the other right brained emotions.  You can find the original here.

There is a difference between spiritual shame and soul-level shame. 

According to Dr Wilder,  "narcissism" is the inability to process the right brained emotion of shame.  

To find help for the spiritual kind, I recommend several things:

Nurturing our inner man is something discussed much in the scriptures.  If you're interested in the science behind it, I highly recommend Nurturing Spirit Basic Seminar.  I received the dvd's as a gift from the author and I find I return again and again to the principles taught within.  If you like theory, you might want to start there. 

If you prefer the practical, I recommend blessing and nurturing your inner man (spirit).  It's always awake, always listening and waits to be instructed on the truths of life and godliness.  Perhaps it's already loaded with seeds and awaits watering and growth by hearing the Word of God!  

I started by listening to these on audio (along with the audio bible) at very low volume 24/7 for many months/years and still do whenever our technology cooperates.  I still listen on one iPod at night, have a seperate one for the Tall Guy and then have a completely different one for the household that plays 24/7.  

Here are some free audio files which are a blessing to us:

Names of God

Spirit blessings for Sons (used for our male family members)

Blessing Spirit (general) - we used this when it was playing for all family members

Spirit Blessing for Precious Daughters

For those who prefer the book version, you can find it the Kindle version here and the book at the author's website here.  

*As of this edit, it's also available on audible!

There you can also find articles, videos and many other materials to support your journey to do what Father has instructed: love Him with all our HEART (then soul, mind and strength).  

I am convinced the sequence is significant and intentional.  It really makes a difference when our spirit man KNOWS the truths about it's Maker, Creator, Designer, Father, etc. 

After you've nurtured your inner man/spirit, there are materials to develop it.  You'll find many here.

edited July 29, 2025

The Narcissist's Family Cult

 I appreciate this honest look into the structures set up within narcissistic families.  

Click below to watch the 30 minute video.

Healthy Shame Messages

Here's a wonderful message about dealing with shame so we correct behavior in healthy ways so narcissism doesn't flourish.  It's less than 10 minutes.  I've thought of it often over the years since I first saw it, and I regularly tell Kitty's story.  While she has since gone on to be with Jesus, her story remains to help give us hope that we can build those pathways from healthy shame back to joy and peace.  Having it modeled is one of the ways we'll make it!

Edited on 12/25/19

The Invisible War Zone

A new friend just shared this article with me.  If you are feeling brave, I encourage you to take a look.  It's titled:

The Invisible War Zone: 

5 Ways Children Of Narcissistic Parents Self-Destruct 

In Adulthood

Determined to Understand - The Beginning

After being prodded after reading a friends' newsletter to consider the idea of narcissism as something beyond what I felt I understood, I first looked online for a baseline of info to build from. 

Mayo Clinic's website left me astonished with ultimately no conclusions as to what causes this awful problem.  I felt like I already knew SO much about it probably, and felt elation as well as feeling competely startled as I consider possibly I  had what others in the professional world did not: four decades of intimate experience with the thing.   Although I wasn't certain,  a dim suspicious was growing that it had been 100% of my life for all of my 43 years...and so I began one of the biggest and most challenging research projects of my life.

The following book was the first official one I found. 

 Page 17:  "If children are grossly mistreated for small errors in behavior, and if they are ignored or sometimes rewarded when they behave perfectly (according to someone else's perception - their parents'), they may develop a basic dynamic of feeling safe when others perceive them as perfect, and feeling very, very threatened when they think others will perceive them as deficient."

As I dug through this book, something began to surface which I did not expect: I began to feel compassion towards this problem.  As I continued, it became plain to me that our culture has entirely ERRONEOUS ideas about the whole thing!  This really was exciting...and so I pressed through my disgust and hopeless despair, feeling like there was some nugget of golden truth I was hunting for.

Page 25: "N's are characterized as lacking empathy.  Actually, it is impossible to really know what normal intensity emotions a N has, because there are simply overwhelmed by the overriding fear of being found imperfect."

The principles (ways things are, because that's how Creator made it) I found in here made me feel completely sick to my stomach, as I faced what looked like an absolutely BLEAK future, surrounded by people who had no capacity for empathy, and who were likely to continue that cycle on and on for generations.

This was fueled by what had jolted me of hearing Dr. Jim Wilder's mention that 75% of our current culture is at toddler level of maturity (which is when regulation of the healthy shame message can be learned), and another generation would be engulfed by narcissistic adults who lack the ability to face healthy shame messages... I felt compelled to continue on in what felt like a Holy Spirit led search.  Gentle Protectors know how to feel healthy embarrassment, and can call it out in community so it can thrive.  According to Dr Wilder, communities where this does not happen will always fall apart (my words not his).   

Having long been reared with my Dad's definition and regular banter about narcissistic people, I began to adjust to what felt like tremendously NEW data...and rather than seeing N as someone who was in love with themselves, what I learned in this book was that it is EXACTLY the opposite.  

While I continued to learn for several years, before the Confirmation came, this book was what pointed me to the possibility that there was HOPE...and being on the scent of something new was motivation to keep digging, in between lots of breaks, time with family, and focusing on raising our children while in the midst of signifiant physical limitations (another story for a different day).

Looking back, I can see how my ENFJ personality is completely wired to learn to understand even when the person in front of me is hurting me so much.  (insert Frank James' video on how each of the 16 handle bullies...the ENFJ is perfect!) 

Meaning from Madness: Understanding the Hidden Patterns That Motivate Abusers: Narcissists, Borderlines, and Sociopaths

Book by Richard Skerritt

"A substantial fraction of the people around us suffer from personality disorders. To cope, they distort both their reality and ours. Their behavior can be baffling and puzzling, and worse, they often abuse those closest to them. The author presents a new and effective way for people to understand and recognize the three of these disorders that often lead to abusive behavior. Describing each using a single dynamic - an underlying motivation - rather than a list of behaviors is an easier way to grasp and deal with these disorders. He then describes the psychological defense mechanisms that stabilize the distorted world created by the disordered, and explains how substance abuse adds fuel to the fire of disordered behavior. he also offers the latest thinking on the prospects for improvement with treatment, and a realistic perspective on the likelihood that the disordered will choose this path."

edited July 29, 2025