As I worked to take several pounds of shredded cabbage which we acquired from the food rescue truck earlier this week, I put on a video to keep me moving in my tiny kitchen while sons and daughter tending to their things nearby.
Having long been on the search for understanding in order to heal-to-wholeness from daunting home life growing up, I have felt very clearly that CPTSD is what I have been dealing with inside of me - nerves, cells, brain, emotions and body.
I like the Crappy Childhood Fairy's way of stating it's "childhood" ptsd...
So many videos I have heard...and many even this week, as I work to sort out what's going on. Sometimes I am injecting the information and feel like I'm Neo plugged into the Matrix and getting rapid downloads...
or like I'm drinking from a fire hydrant!
Assimilating it all, and integrating the knowledge and wisdom into understanding seems to be a more than full time work, which continues to produce fruit, encouragement and forward momentum in good ways.
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When Mom was arrested and diagnosed with Cluster B personality disorder a few years ago, it confirmed what I had been studying as I chased the Holy Spirit's leadership. The chase led me to learn about NPD from the insiders view, taking in a lot of professional data, and merging it with what seemed new info.
As some intense things are coming into my understanding this past couple of weeks, after decades of prayer and more than a year of intensive warfare praying (thank you Dan Duval!), pieces of this great puzzle seem to be coming together!
While I assimilate bit by bit, I like to share the processes as I go through them. Sometimes, I forget all about documenting, but today I decided to grab my laptop, switch it away from headlines about ObamaGate, and to get my thoughts written up enough to be somewhat coherent for you.
Since it's now 5:00 pm, and it was mid morning when I began this, I will wrap up and give you these last tidbits.
In the video (below) which spurred this whole post, H.P. expresses what so many of us who were raised in narcissistic family systems have needed, which is to take time, energy, effort and care in order to DEVELOP ourselves as a person- as an individual with needs and wants, likes and loves, etc.
Arthur Burk put that concept into practical detail over at THESLG, and I highly recommend it for anyone who was reared to be a commodity, or has a close loved one who was.
Who knew I'd find this video just moments after it was posted?
Who would have thought it was a Holy Spirit initiated blessing for me as I was following along in the random flow of a morning full of a variety of activities which delighted my soul?
What I know for certain is that on this journey of relying on, obeying, trusting in and clinging to Jesus, who ascended so that the Indwelling God could be released into this fallen world, and to reside in me, my Deliverer Has Already Come.
The song below has continued to fan faith, hope, and love within as I seek to love God and receive His love into myself.
Blessings on YOU today, as you seek to receive and enjoy the good and perfect gifts the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob has for you in Christ Jesus.
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